Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
