We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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