And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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