everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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