the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
