when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
so much tequila, so little girl.
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