Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
