My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
