it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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