the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
