People in love make me want to vomit
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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