went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
