Whod you bang
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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