wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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