Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize