I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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