Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
