Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
