I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
