Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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