You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
