I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
