I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
