a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
