All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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