Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
