in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
