He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
