I got chris browned last night
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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