my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
