How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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