So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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