Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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