she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I wish there were birth control emojis
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
