Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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