I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
