i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
