Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
