I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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