She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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