at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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