i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
