Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
