you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
