His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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