I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
