Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Can you bring me the toilet please
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize