just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
