When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
