I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My friends, they love my intelligence
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize