Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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