I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
