i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You may now shotgun with the bride
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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