he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
