also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
They are going to name an STD after you.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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