seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
