Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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