Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
