I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
