phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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