the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
