I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Randomize