You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
