Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
