I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
They took my balls.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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